how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
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