Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
