It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
