Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
