i will never coherently bang her
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
