I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
