The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I would ride that face into the sunset
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
