You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
