So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
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Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
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Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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