Will you blow on my dice?
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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