why didn't you poke me back
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
