I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
