I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
