There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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