why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
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And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
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Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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