dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
