I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I did not marry a roomba.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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