if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize