Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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