As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Randomize
