just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
