New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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