Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Man, jail baloney is awful.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
