If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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