to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
