I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Randomize
