so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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