Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Randomize
