so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
