Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Randomize
