Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I've blown a few things in my day
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Randomize
