I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
It's never too late to be topless.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
