one two three fourrrrnication!
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
He passed out mid-signature
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Holy sore nipples Batman
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
