that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
