How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
