Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
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I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
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I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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