Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
