Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Randomize
