On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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