I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
