Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
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