i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Randomize
