there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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