If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
