final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
