I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
