Ketchup is God's man juice
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
