I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
