this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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