I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
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The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
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I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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