if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
