Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
i now understand why vodka
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
