He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.