I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
