dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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