Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
