apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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