i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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