I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Randomize
