i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
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It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
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At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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