Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I am mentally ready for anal.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
